It's really happening!

LID

~ 4-20-2010 ~

We are LOGGED IN people!!!

We are IN the China system!

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I'm feeling very hopeful today...

which is a good thing.

Lately, I've been in a funky mood.  A funk.  A deep Dark hole.  I haven't let myself think much of our Caroline.  The China topic has made me very sad for a number of reasons.  Mostly, I was just so frustrated with our paperwork issues and feeling as though I was letting little Caroline down in that she should be adopted by someone who can at least get paperwork finished in a timely manner.  I feel that we took WAY too long to get our dossier ready, and I realize some of it wasn't our fault, but I still feel it should have been quicker.  So this has added the word "guilt" to my new role as a mother. 

A "mother".... really?  Is it going to happen this time?  I'm so afraid that it's going to be yanked away the closer we move toward her.  I'm so afraid that if I let myself LOVE this child, that I'm going to lose her.  My poor heart is so afraid!  

But a "Mother"..... truely?   I HAVEN"T THE FOGGIEST IDEA of how to be one to a SIX year old!  :)
Her sixth birthday is on Monday, May 3rd.    Motherhood normally starts a little less intimidating doesn't it?  I mean, a baby isn't going to "judge" you on being a good mother, right?  But I'm so afraid... what am I going to do with a six year old?  :)  Oh my goodness.  I don't know how to be a mother. 

Yet.

Am I whining?  Is this normal?  Am I having cold feet?  Why yes, yes I am. 

But today....

Today, I am feeling hopeful and ever-so-slightly excited, and there is a tiny, warm, pink glow lighting up in my heart.... it's flickering and fluttering, and growing in strength.  I guess this is what it means..... to have a child growing inside of me.... only this time.... it's in my heart.