Last week I finally did something that I've been wanting to do for a little more than seven years. I took a belly dance class! Yay for that!
I started wanting to take belly dance before Narc and I got married. I remember the first belly dance video I bought was of this older-kind-of weird lady who grossed me out at first, but she had a killer floor routine. I wanted to learn to belly dance from that moment on. I remember purchasing three more belly dance videos online right after 9-11. I was worried that America would ban Middle Eastern Dance or something crazy like that, so I was concerned that my videos wouldn't make it! Ha! Ha!
It was hard to dance in my little bedroom, but I wanted to dance for my new husband on our honeymoon. I had a dance choreographed and everything, but for some reason....... hmmmmm, it never happened. But that's ok. Now..... I want to dance for me. I want to feel movement. I want to hear music and follow along with my muscles. I have been depressed and down for so long since the loss of our daughter...... it finally feels good to "get up."
Also, my best friend is my little red nano ipod..... and when I close my eyes and listen to music..... I'm always moving in my mind. I'm dancing, twirling, and beautiful. So.... one step at a time, getting my inflexible body, my sore joints, my weak muscles to morph into what my mind sees.
I've also wanted to be a part of a group. I've always been a loner..... not because of choice, more because of shyness. Somehow I'm shaking that part of me off. I stepped into the dance studio and waited for the class to begin. All these little girls were around...... I started to feel very sad that I never experienced dance as a child. I didn't do anything physical (except pitiful swimming lessons) because I was always too afraid. These little girls seemed so very secure and happy. Bouncy. Confident. A part of something.
I hope I can do this. I hope to be good. I hope to become strong. I hope to have something for myself. I hope to no longer have to twirl in my mind...... but in the here and now.
Cool. ;)
