Did you hear?

June 7, 2010 

We received our Letter of Acceptance 

from China!

Since then, we've held it in our hands...

it's been signed...

it's been copied, 

it's been loved and celebrated...

Oh, I feel so fortunate!

June 16, 2010

Financial matters fell into place unexpectedly today...

Visa applications were lovingly completed for our new daughter....

and on the way home

from eating a celebratory dinner...

I realized what today was.

Four years ago today, we lost our baby Anna.

Oh, I just cried and cried the whole way home....

But in the end, 

I feel so blessed.  

I feel I've been given a huge gift.

A gift of a little girl who needs a mommy and a daddy...

and a mommy and a daddy 

who need this little girl. ~

To be held...

It's still a happy day.

God's gift was Anna Grace.

Life

My fourth baby lost.  Unbelievable.  Didn't see that coming.  Wonder why?

I'm an uncomfortable pregnant person.  Constantly worrying over what I'm eating, what's that pain, what's that feeling, what's happening within me, what chemicals am I breathing? 

Would I be a good mother?  Or would I be selfish and wish for this life back?  I can't imagine that happening.  I'm so lost.  What is there to do?  Who am I but a Mother?  I was born to be a mother wasn't I?  I know I would be a good one.... why then is it not happening?   

I cannot be at peace with this life because it's boring.  

Work. Clean. Sleep. Eat. QVC. Work.  

Is there something that I'm supposed to be before I'm a mother?  

I see myself with children.  I need a big family.  Big Christmases.  Big Birthday celebrations.  Homework after supper.   Folding little clothes.  Bath times.  Chasing fireflies.  Saying "no" in the candy aisle.  Teacher conferences.  Doctors appointments.  Strep throat.  Band concerts.  Shopping for school clothes.  Watching babies sleep.  Tucking little heads in the bed. Drinks of water.  Baking cookies.  Decorating the Christmas tree.  Dying Easter eggs.  Vacation Bible school.  Summer vacations.  Car seats.  Swinging.  Hula hooping.  Piano lessons.  Dance classes.  Skinned knees.  Tummy aches. Listening to small breathes. Story time.  Worrying, pacing, loving, caring, sighing, laughing, exhaustion......

What else would I do? 

“When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead, keep your head up high and gaze at the stars because that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal, and remember, we gather strength from sadness and from pain. Each time we die, we learn to live again.”

— Unknown

(found on emptyspaces -see my links. It was just so appropriate.)

with Grace....

There's a little bird
Somebody sent
Down to the earth to live on the wind
Blowing on the wind
And she sleeps on the wind,
This little bird
somebody sent

Light and fragile and feathered sky blue
Thin and graceful, the sun shining through
She flies so high up in the sky
Way out of reach of human eyes

Light and fragile she's feathered sky blue
Thin and graceful, the sun shining through

And the only time that she touches the ground
is when that little bird, little bird
is when that little bird, little bird
is when that little bird...
dies. ~ Jewel

June 16th 2006

You are dearly missed, my little Anna Grace.

Wallowing......

Wow, Where have I been? I think I've been stuck.... wallowing. You know.... because this happened.



Yes that's right. Five positive pregnancy tests. But when I went to the Doctor a week later, I took another test that was negative. They took my blood and told me they would call back. A positive Hcg amount needs to be at a level 10, but when they called me, I was at a level 9. Sucks. So what had been..... was going away.

So therefore, I've been a bit ......eehhh.

So...... in the light of our sad news, my grief for Anna which is ever so near, resurfaces. I know many may not understand, but I felt the need to remember her, to memorialize her again, and so I had a little more added to her memorial tattoo on my back just behind my heart where she is safe. And this is the before and after.....(so sorry Mama!)

Before:


After:


So Much Better!

I wanted the "with Grace" because I want to be with Anna Grace, I want be surrounded by God's Grace, and I want to live my life with grace.

I also found this song, rather by accident. It was on the album of a song that was listed as a good bellydance song on iTunes. I downloaded the entire album and listened to it one rainy day. When I first heard the man speaking I didn't pay much attention to what he was saying, but then I caught some of the words. It's so beautiful. And it speaks to me.

Boomp3.com

And then, Marc and I went to the Outer Banks. We had a wonderful time! It's so beautiful there.






I have never seen such beach erosion! The wind was crazy!


We went with his family:

That's me at the end all bundled up because it was COLD!

And we made some new friends....


Crabs are so cute!!!!

Even the sky was smiling!

There is only one road that travels down the Outer Banks. And on this road just happened to be two signs, one on the way down and one on the way back up the coast.

How

amazing

that

they

would

read:





Yea......me too.

To Remember...

June 16th, 2006

In memory of our Anna Grace.


You are in my thoughts always.


You are in the changing of the light in our home,


You are in the dew on the flowers,


You are in the magic of watching a bunny eat clover flowers in our yard,


You are in the beauty of a rainbow,


You are in the blue bird fluttering in the sky above Pop and Laney and the new kitten.



You are in my heart....... forever more.



I miss you so very much Anna. I love you.